Of Love and Living

The following is an essay written by me about love and living which has been extracted from my book - The Universe - A Personal View ( page 178 to 183 )

Link to my book :-  https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&pid=sites&srcid=ZGVmYXVsdGRvbWFpbnxqa2hjbGlmZXN0eWxlfGd4OjM5NmM2NTViMjAzY2M5MTk

Of Love and Living

We have already seen that sacrifice is an important ingredient of love. But love does not involve sacrifice alone. Apart from money, love is the only other thing that can really make the world go round. The story of Helen of Troy, the face that launched a thousand ships, was the tale of the destruction of a whole city state on account of the love for a woman. Since ancient times there have been a lot of very moving love stories. Just to name a few, Antony and Cleopatra, Romeo and Juliet and, in modern times, the Duke and Duchess of Windsor, with the Duke giving up his throne as king of England on account of their marriage, these are all popular tales of love. What really is this
thing we call love ?
Love is a feeling, a yearning that cannot be satisfied until the lover is able to express his feeling for the one he or she loves. If the lover is prevented from expressing this overwhelming feeling in any way it will give rise to physical symptoms such as loss of appetite and amnesia as well as emotional symptoms like depression and lack of concentration. None of our bodily functions will be working properly. That is why some poets have compared love to a disease. From a scientific perspective, these symptoms are the results of hormones which are bio-chemicals causing physical changes to various organs in our body in response to the failure of the lover to vent his or her emotions of love. To refresh the reader's memory in the working of the brain, it will be recalled that tension will be built up as a result of electric impulses ( neural signals ) passing from the brain to the synapses causing the various chemicals that can affect the nervous and muscular systems to build up behind bio-dams at these synapses. When the pressure reaches the critical level, the dams at the synapses will burst open to release the chemicals to enable physical reactions to external stimuli to take place. In this particular case, the external stimulus is the negative input in the form of the prevention of expressing the feeling of love. Therefore, the proper reactions would be to give distress signals such as loss of appetite, amnesia, depression and lack of concentrations to draw immediate attention to the need for expressing this emotion of love. Until the urge to this expression is satified the negative health symptoms would persist. The foregoing is only a description of the mechanics but not the cause of love. The ultimate cause can be found in the emotional state of the individual in question. Through particular signals such as sights and scent, the lover is attracted to the one he or she loves. There could be cultural, personal, circumstantial, economic and even political reasons for falling in love. The word “fall “ is particularly telling. One does not run or walk in love. One falls in love because it is usually sudden and very often without warning. Then, a point of no return is reached when a conscious decision is made in the subjective reality (SR) of the lover which interacts with the objective reality (OR) of the physical appearance and signals from the one he or she loves to create the perceived reality (PR) in the eyes of the lover of being in love. The strange thing is that although the feeling may be mutual in many cases love can even be one way traffic and this can lead to potential conflicts between the lover and the one being loved. I must emphasize that the above rigid mechanics do not truly and sufficiently reflect the emotionally profound effects of love which is an important element and source of

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happiness for all human beings. While the natural purpose for love between the opposiite sexes is for the propagation of the human race, the process of love itself is even more important and constructive ( or destructive in some tragic circumstances ) to the development and fulfilment of one's personality and meaning in life respectively. That is why Shakespeare once wrote :- “ It is better to have loved and lost, than not to have loved at all ! “
Besides love between the sexes ( or the same sex ) which is only one kind among many others that can exist between human beings, there are other forms of love which can be equally, if not more, profound. There is the love between parents and their off-springs ( maternal love in particular ), love between sibbling (though sibbling rivalry is also common ), love between friends ( that can lead to self-less sacrifice ), love between teachers and students ( mostly out of care and respect ), and love for the undeprivileged ( mainly out of justice and compassion ). Despite the variety of form, there are always common traits in these different kinds of love. These include sacrifice ( as previously mentioned ), dedication, meticulous consideration for their feelings and unceasing concern for the other's welfare and happiness. So much so that the lover will not hesitate to sacrifice his or her own wealth, time, comfort, career or even life itself to
protect the loved one. Such is the power and inspiration of love.
On the other hand, love can also be a double-edged sword. It can
cut both ways, the good way and the bad. A lover scorned can become destructive both on himself or herself or on the one being loved. We do hear from time to time that a jealous lover commits suicide or, worse still, hurts the beloved one. In less tragic cases, the rejected lover may not be able to handle such rejection and may become emotionally crippled for life. Others may resort to drugs and alcohol or become self-destructive in his or her career. Therefore, extreme care should be taken to avoid unhappy endings by looking before you leap. Although I have emphasized on the sudden emergence of love, there is, nevertheless, a point of no return at which time a conscious decision has usually been taken. This is the crucial moment to which I am referring. When your logical senses are still in control of the situation before emotions overwhelm you, that would be you last chance to size up the situation. Seek objective advice from your family and close friends or even professional counselling while you are still capable of making sense out of such advice. A blind commitment or one-sided devotion is not a workable proposition. Another corollary from this logical inference is that teenagers should avoid falling in love before graduating from college. Both their academic commitments and a lack of financial means may very well contribute to a failure in their love life or else their future career may suffer as well. Like a delicate orchid love will only blossom at the right time and appropriate circumstances. Therefore, those intending to fall in love should be extra careful before making a definite commitment.
As love is the most important ingredient in happiness, love and marriage like horse and carriage, as the saying goes, must go hand in hand. The most delicate and vital skill in nuturing a happy marriage is to keep the flame of love burning. Love is like a delicate flower, it needs a lot of meticulous care and watering to blossom in glory. The key to success in this regard is for both husband and wife not to take each other for granted. Each partner in marriage should still respect the privacy of the other by allowing room for each partner's personal interests and hobbies and own circle of friends. Men have men's talk while girls also have girls' talk. Allow some private times for each other's friends and hobbies or sports. This can also provide a time apart and a break from the tedious and monotonous daily routes. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. If the financial circumstances allow, married couples should go on occasinal vacations.The main aim is to break the montony of the daily routines. My wife and I used to go on annual vacations even when our children were very young despite the trouble to arrange for baby sitting. After our children have grown up, we still go on occasional holidays. Our favourite trips used to be sun, sea and sand in tropical island resorts such as Guam and Saipan ( Micronesia ), Bali ( Indonesia ), Phuket ( Thailand ), Penang and Kota Kinabalu ( Malaysia ) and Cairns and the Hayman Island ( Queensland, Australia ) and the islands of the Philippines ( Cebu and Boracay ), etc. and we have a lot of photos and videos to keep a lasting memories of the “ times of our life “. To create a good memory together was one of the promises I made to my wife when I asked her to marry me. I guess I have not

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let her down in this respect. Then, of course, there were the family trips to various places in Australia, North America, Europe, South Africa and most of Asia. After my retirement, we preferred to go on the less adventurous but more relaxing trips. These involved sailing the high seas on cruise ships which has, in recent years, become a very popular and affordable way of spending holidays. The bonus of being a pensioner is having the luxury of time. We are able to plan well ahead to get the huge early bird discounts of up to 30% or the rock bottom price for vacant unsold state rooms for imminent departures with short notice. Travelling is the biggest item on my family budget over the years. Cheaper options are always available if one cares to find out. Life is made up of numerous episodes which must be created by ourselves. How you like your memory to be read by yourself when you are old and gray and only has the past to look back to, is really all up to you. No one can change history. So do something before it is too late ! This is all a part of love, life and the process of living.
The foregoing only reflects the happy side of love. No one can completely avoid the bitter side of it except to keep it to a minimum. Refrain from making the fatal mistakes and you will be alright. One very tricky aspect of love and marriage is the issue of fidelity or loyalty of the partners toward each other. If a marriage fails both the partners and the innocent children will suffer. In this unfortunate scenario, the married couple suffer for a reason. It is their free choice and commitment that has led to the union. If it proves to be a mistake, they are to blame and rightly bearing the unpleasant consequences. But the children are innocent and should not be penalized for their parents personal failure. Therefore, married couples should not consider having children until they are very sure about the stability and durability of their marriage. I am proud to be able to say that I have kept my marriage vow of fidelity to my wife so far. I say so far, not because of my lack of confidence in my ability to stay loyal to my partner, but it is just a logical step to make my statement an empirical one that is capable of being proven right or wrong, one way or the other. However, there had been temptations on a few occasions that are quite common place in the world of business. Luckily, I was able to resist them by applying a few personal tricks specifically designed by myself to counteract such dangers. Let me share them with you here. First of all, never overestimate your own ability to control your emotions or natural urges. Natural or animal instincts are overwhelming. This is the laws of nature. The human spirit is in a sense, superior to all other animals because we can override such instincts if we really want to. Nevertheless, the first rule of mine is to avoid putting yourself under compromising circumstances in the first place. The human brain being a chaotic system, as I have time and again stressed in this book, makes it impossible to predict the final outcomes of even your own behaviour. Secondly, always carry your favourite family photo and wear your wedding ring to remind yourself of your moral obligations. Put yourself in your wife's position and your children's in particular. Always remind yourself that your own silly mistakes can ruin their whole life. It is not worth the risk, disease and moral obligations aside. I have always put this proposition to my friends and colleagues when they challenge me on my views on fedelity. I always say that the day I cheat on my wife will be the day I allow her to cheat on me. This would have at least been a fair deal. Since no man would allow his wife to be unfaithful to himself, therefore, I will never cheat on my wife and so should all husbands do the same under the principle of natural justice. Then some of my friends and business associates taunted me by asking what if I had a bad urge on my long business trips. I used to give them the naughty but practical answer of D.I.Y.My last trick in keeping myself from being naughty is to appeal to your own pride and integrity. My friends very often give the excuse that they cannot stand the teasing of their bad company of friends.They say they are afraid of peer pressure and cannot stand being called a coward who is a wife-fearing and boneless sissy. My strongest response to such bad company of friends is this. The day I cheat on my wife will be the day I choose to out of my own free will, never because of peer pressure. If I bend to pressure, I will become a truly boneless sissy.
On the issue of fedelity in love and marriage, we must again turn to science and biology for a complete understanding of the different mental and emotional attitudes of women and men towards this crucial matter. Mainly through evolution and later under cultural traditions ( by conditioning and reinforcement of their brain ), women are usually less promisuous than men because they are the homemakers. They put their

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family first and their pleasures second. So much so that many women unlike men cannot enjoy sex without love. For men sex and love may be separate issues but for most women these two are one. The children need their mothers more than their fathers as far as their daily needs are concerned for two very good reasons. Women are more sensitive and meticulous than men and they are also naturally better adapted to their caring role both by their delicate physique and patience. Men on the other hand are traditionally hunters, the wild ones who must always be the strong and invincible bread winner. The law of natural selection is such that the fittest and strongest survives and flourishes to inherit the earth. Therefore, men are born to be sexual creatures whose manhood is traditionally measured by their strong physique and sexual prowess.This tendency can easily give rise to promiscuity. However, these are only animal instincts that can be overridden by the human brain for the good of the family and, in turn, society. In passing, I would like to play a little game with the reader and ask you to solve a puzzle. The puzzle is this. Which is the most important male sexual organ ? It is not what most people think. It is your brain ! If you have guessed it right, then you are a mature male. If you have not, then you only live by your biological instincts. Your intellect needs a lot more training. If, after going through life and living for a few decades, a man is only able to get kicks out of his senses alone, it would really be a pathetic situation. That means he has not been able to evolve or progress to a point where he can get satisfaction on the higher intellectual or spiritual levels. He would still be an animal which is motivated by pure instincts alone. It is comparable to being still at the third grade of school after studying for 30 years. As explained previously ( chapter (ix) – Consciousness – Free Will ), the noble aspect of the human consciousness is the ability to override our basic instincts including our survival instinct to perform acts of great courage such as sacrifice and love. If one is not able to exercise this defining human ability to suppress your natural urges of whatever kind, one can no longer be fit to qualify as a human being. He or she would just be an animal, pure and simple.
The family unit requires absolute security and stability for the proper development for children both physically and mentally. Constant quarrels and numerous women in the house to compete for the master's love and attention is hardly a peaceful and secured situation for raising the next generation who is the future of society. Therefore, monogamy is preferred in the modern society for the greater good of our future generations. The noble and difficult task of taming men's wayward and wild nature in this respect can only be borne by a caring women, his wife, through “ tender, love and care “ as the lyrics of one very popular love song suggest. Incidentally, apart from applying moral standards, incest is always unacceptable in my view. This is because the duplication of roles involving jealousy and emotional competitions between mother and daughter's intimacy with the father or the father and son's intimacy with the mother ( and even between sibblings ) will inevitably lead to emotional and even physical chaos within the family unit and ultimately destroy it to the detriment of society. Thus, the perverted suggestion by some social scientists from Scandinavia thinly veiled in the disguise of respect for individual choice to legalize incest because of the reliability of birth control measures must be totally denounced without hesitation to protect the sacred family system. The problem of unwanted off-springs is just one among numerous complications of this taboo issue. The question of emotional conflict and the undesirable implications on the position of trust and power play among family members are the more controversial problems which should never be allowed to materialize.
In both this section and the previous one, I have paid great tribute to our better halves because I feel that in the traditional male dominant society women's rights and contributions have been belittled as a matter of course. I am totally against this kind of attitude. In the spirit of fairness and based on the common origin of all things, we should all work towards the removal of this injustice. There is a common argument in favour of superiority of the male based on the natural strength of the his physique. This has been taken as evidence from nature on this superiority. I strongly feel that this argument is flawed. I used to be puzzled while I was a teenager about why men have nipples despite the fact that we do not have to nurse the babies. Later, I realized from my biology class that both the male and female bodies are based on only one particular form of structure for economy of design. It is the X ( for men ) and Y ( for women ) chromosomes that are responsible for the biological changes in the human fertilized egg to

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give rise to the different male and female body structure. Nature has not chosen the male physique to be the dominant form. Everyone and all things are equal and have arisen from the same humble origin that is stardust !
Love is an important part of living but this process of life can be even more colourful only if we know how to handle it in the right way. It all comes down to one's meaning in life. What it all means to you and only you alone.The New Testament of the Bible ( Gospel of St. Mark, 8 : 36 ) says :- “ For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? “ If you do not know your own meaning in life, you will already have lost your way because, without a goal, you will not be able to know what you are doing in life and why you are doing it. To a great painter, his meaning in life may be to create one everlasting master piece. To a writer, as the great Ernest Hemingway said :- “ To write just one true sentence ! “ It is just like happiness. It is different things to different people. You simply have to find your own way although you may get some inspirations from others. “ Seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. “ (Gospel of St. Matthew, 7 : 7 ) Abstract notions such as meaning in life may not come to you easily or in a tangible way. You have to feel your way to find it. Neither can such notions be quantified and systematically analyzed. The reductionist or scientific method that has brought us all the modern technologies cannot help you in this regard. It belongs to the category of issues that I call a matter of the heart and not of the head. To deal with matters of the heart, a holistic approach may be more appropriate. This approach usually involves very personal and subjective techniques like introspection ( self-examination ), meditation ( a journey of the mind ) and even intuition ( power of your subconscious mind ). Be close to the best teacher of all times, Mother Nature, and you will ultimately be inspired. Forget about material things from time to time and get out to the open. Touch the grass and smell the trees. They radiate the energies of life. Bask yourself in the sun and enjoy the calmness and serenity of the sea and sand. Get away from your daily woes once in a while and you will reap the wisdom of nature and, may be, your meaning in life will parade itself before the windows to your soul. It is no use trying hard to find it. Be in contact with Nature without a specific purpose ( simply being idle ) and the inner light of wisdom may unconsciously and suddenly dawn on you. That is the mystical way how life works. The only thing that could help you achieve your goal of connecting with yourself and finding your meaning in life is to enrich your intellect and your spirit. This you can do by acquiring more useful knowledge, that is knowledge that can brighten up your mind in terms of sensitivity to your environment, both physical and mental. You have to stand on the shoulders of giants to see further than your own ability. In time, when you have done enough in such intellectual conditioning, all will be suddenly revealed to you. That is why people use the phrase “ to see the light “ to describe personal enlightenment. To me, enlightenment is Connection !
Let us now consider something more tangible and substantial. This is the material means to enable us to live a good life. Assuming that we have already found our meaning in life, how can we acquire sufficient financial means to realize our goal in life in the proper but efficient way ? A lot has already been said about financial and material resources under the section- Of Money and Men. Here, I only wish to elaborate a little on the appropriate balance to be struck between material needs and spiritual needs. When we first embarked on our careers in our youthful days, materialistic concerns were our main worries. After having been established in our careers, financial stablity will automatically ensue but most people keep on chasing the endless money game regardless of their actual materialistic needs. In this crazy game of money for its own sake, we have very often missed a lot of family fun and sharing in our children's maturing process without realizing it until it is too late. In the wink of an eye, our children have already grown up before we notice it and those precious moments such as the first word they spoke ( may be it was “Daddy “ ) or their first fall when they learned how to walk ( may be they cried for your help ) and so on were sadly missed by you, and lost forever. These are really the things that you worked so hard for. Never be the absent parents who are too busy taking care of the family bills. Your children desparately need you emotionally. So, a healthy balance must be maintained between career and family.
Most people like to ask themselves whether or not they have lived a successful life. Well, this is a big question that requires a lot of reflection before we can

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give an answer. To me, there is only one way to make a reply. It is a matter of personal value judgment. There are numerous way of defining success in life but the one sure way to become a failure is not to have set yourself a goal in life at all. Without a goal to gauge your achievements, your rating in life has to be zero. A goaless life is a zero standard for life and zero standards gives rise to zero ratings. Everyone must live by one's own standards for there is no preferred frame of reference or universal criterion for everyone's life by virtue of Einstein's Special Relativity. So, you must always remember this. You live for youself and yourself alone and for nobody else. Then, what about the ones we love you may ask. Do we not live for them ? The simple answer is in the positive but it does not conflict with my first proposition of living for oneself and oneself alone. Without loving and caring for you own well being, you will not be able to love any one else. Only by learning to love and live for yourself will you be qualified to love the ones close to you. If you do not know how to live and love yourself you will be unable to love anybody else for that matter. Living for yourself imply living according to your own principles and goals and I am sure that one of those personal goals have to involve loving the ones close to you. At the end of the day or the end of your life, success in your life will ultimately be measured by the fulfilment of your goals and responsibilities in life. Have you been a good son or daughter; husband or wife; brother or sister; a good professional in your own area of expertise; a good citizen or neighbour ? Never compare your success to that of any other person for each is different in every way. That is the special quality and true value of each individual, hence my dedication to liberal individualism or humanism. But always remember this. It does not matter how you die because death comes to us all. It only matters how you have lived ! So, live life to the fullest and start with the initial step like all long journeys - the first step - which is this - to find your own meaning in life and then go for it !